I am well endowed. Have been since I first sprouted in middle school. When my mom took me to get my first bra, my Dad joked that we were going to buy an “over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder.” He didn’t know the unfortunate truth of that statement that was to come.
I get that women everywhere want large breasts. Actually, I take that back. Women don’t REEEEALLY want large breasts. They think they do. Because somewhere, some guy told them bigger was better. Or they heard it on TV. Or a movie. They read it in a magazine. They think they want to be big because it results in more attention, desire, and ultimately, approval, love and acceptance.
I’m not exactly a fan of my D-cups. They’re not horrible, but they are just…. way too big. They make my back hurt, they get in the way of just about everything from playing guitar to scrubbing the shower, and they nearly give me a concussion every time I go jogging. It amuses me to no end how women assume that I love them, and that if they had them, they would love them too.
But you know what happens when you assume.
It makes an ASS out of U and ME.
5 Things You Should Never Say to a Large-Chested Woman:
1. “They’re just…..so….BIG.” If she loves them, well then, you’re single-handedly helping to fuel this cultural lie that highly-sexualized bodies are the only way to get noticed. Surely, there’s something else you could compliment her on? And if she doesn’t love them, well, then you’ve just pointed out the pimple.
2. “Oh, stop it, you could totally go bra-less.” Umm, HAVE YOU SEEN THEM? No. Bra-less isn’t an option, but thanks for not taking me at my word, and reminding me that I’m doomed to live in a “chestity belt” for ever and ever.
3. “Can I feel them?” Man or woman, this is never appropriate. I don’t care if we’re best friends. They’re mine. And my husband’s. And he doesn’t like when other people use his toys.
4. “Bend…….AND SNAP!” This kind of vulgar behavior repulses me. Especially when you consider the fact that I spend more time playing them down than I do buying shoes.
5. “My boobs are so small!” I would gladly switch with you, if I could. So thanks. For that. Can we talk about your awesome cheek bones too? And then bond over a mani-pedi?