I am white. I live in a very white part of town, (Mid-sizedtown, USA) go to a very white church, and hang out with mostly white people. Being white is okay, but it’s a little…vanilla for me. Had I gotten to choose the culture from which I sprouted, it would hands down be African-American.
Now let’s get one thing straight right here, I am NOT racist. It seems as though that term is launched at every other person who acknowledges that there’s a difference between being Caucasian and being Black. I, in no way, mean any disrespect, I just don’t see the point in trying to argue that we’re all the same. Yes, we’re all of equal value, but WE’RE NOT ALL THE SAME. And that’s totally awesome! We must acknowledge that this world of ours is made up of a vast array of experiences, skin types, languages, hair colors, and cultural background, and there’s so much to be learned from people who had a different upbringing from ourselves. How to fry chicken, for instance. Among other things.
Even though I’m white (on the outside), I have lately been paying more attention to who I am on the inside: BLACK. I’m not a buxom, middle-aged Black woman, with spiral-curly hair, who waves her index finger, arches her eyebrow, and purses her lips when she talks. I am the tall, slender, fashionable black woman, who never wears animal prints. My kinky curls are under control. I’m loud and boisterous only when the situation calls for it, and can manifest the appropriate amount of attitude when people need a good verbal slap across the face.
The problem? I’m not black. But I’ve been trying a few ways to get accepted into Black culture, and I’ve hit on some foolproof actions. Follow these 6 steps, and you’ll be guaranteed a spot in the club. And in this club, somebody always getting krunk.
1. DON’T ASK PERMISSION. If you ask for permission to join the group, the answer will most likely be no. But if you assume that you’re “one of them,” no one will ask questions. (This usually goes for most social groups in any setting.) Let’s say you’re at a crowded restaurant at lunch time, and all the tables are taken, except for one large “communal” style table, almost-full of African-American women. Don’t ask “do you mind if I sit here?” Walk right up, pretend you’ve been friends with these ladies forever, and say “you girls are so sweet for saving me a seat! You be looking out for a sister, I appreciate that.” And sit down. Just sit down.
2. USE SLANG. Without being over-the-top. You gotta know what you can pull off. For instance, some people can get away with “B!+@&, while we out hanging at AJ’s crib, she showed us her threads she be throwing down the Benjamins fo, and then that new playa of hers roll up, and give this sermon on keeping up wit’ all her bling…” Others of you, will have to make do with “girl, when we went to AJ’s house, she showed us her expensive clothes, then her boyfriend came in and complained about buying all of her nice jewelry,” with a nice “it was cray-cray” thrown in there.
3. DRESS A LITTLE ON THE WILD SIDE. Black women are daring, in ways that us boring white girls would never have the imagination to be. Now, you have to know how to work it no matter what you’re wearing, and don’t go too far off the deep end. It will look as though you’re trying too hard. Whatever you wear, you gotta throw in some attitude.
4. ALWAYS THANK THEM. You’re out shopping, and a black woman says that she likes your purse. Don’t just smile. Make firm eye contact, cock your head and bit, and say “thanks girl.” And if you want extra points, you can throw in a “you know I love me some leather/stripes/buckles/whatever.”
5. PUT “ASS” AFTER ANY WORD. You might be offended. But it’s true, and you know it. It works. 100% of the time. In fact, this is a great one to start with, since you don’t need no have developed any of the other aforementioned skills to pull this one off. “My lazy-ass cat won’t even go in the litter box.” “Her ugly-ass dress should never have left the store.” “That hot-ass barista is looking at you.” Even stuff white people like can have an urban flair when you throw this word in.
6. BE LOUD, and LATE. For those of you white folk who are a little too white, this one will be tough. But the basic idea is that you want to speak loud enough to draw some attention to yourself. And always run on CPT. (For those who don’t know what that means, you’ll have to Google the Urban translation, because if you’re white, you’re not allowed to say it.)